I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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