get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there was a trapeze. enough said
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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