White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize