I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Randomize
