i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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