No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
