Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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