AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
