Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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