You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
