Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
