U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
