Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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