Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
