So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize