Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
