Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
