You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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