'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
We smell like vodka and hangover
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