is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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