i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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