You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
