I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
