Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
