he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
