Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
