I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
