I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
