After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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