so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
