I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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