So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I am available for nakedness
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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