Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Randomize
