I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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