apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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