and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize