theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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