i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
