If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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