Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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