Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
