OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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