Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
