we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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