I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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