Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
