I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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