hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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