Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize