Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
