The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
