sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
