There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize