I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
