You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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