just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
