If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
