I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
