I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
