I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
