i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
