you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
