yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize