You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
