You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize