Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
