Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
