One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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