I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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